Comprehensive reading list

punctuated by lore

Without further ado! Here are the resources which have helped heal? help? individuate? mend? me over the course of a decade. This morning, I looked at my book shelf and basked in a moment of gratitude for those voices who have helped me along. I wasn’t sure where I was headed when I started to ask questions. I’m grateful for each step on the path.

At a certain point, books/learning/intellectualizing became work with a therapist/with psychedelics to “feel” into my experience with my body, out of my head. On this path, one thing has always led to the next by saying “yes” to what feels good and right in my body at each step.

I dabbled in “healing” modalities until my mental health bottomed out in 2021, which felt like a season of darkness I would never escape. Life left me with no option but to heal. I look back on the season with gratitude from where I am now. (KEEP GOING.)

I’ve made this disclaimer somewhere before- some of these authors have problematic corners of their lives, but so do I, depending on who you ask. A good rule for interactions with other humans is to take what resonates and leave the rest.

Phase 1:

Why are my intimate relationships so painful in the same way? Why am I repeating the same patterns? Ultimately: how do I step out of a “victim” identity and assume responsibility for my role in the redundant equation?

This was the longest phase, through my whole 20s, while I vaguely knew about codependency but kept trying the same thing in different relationships. When one relationship ended, I’d read about codependency, then find another relationship to quell my sadness, stop caring about reading about codependency, til I did the same pattern again. Eventually, it was no longer sustainable, which led to the next phase.

In my original post, I accidentally left out this piece. When failed/traumatic relationship experiences in my 20s bottomed out my mental health, I became familiar with my experiences of depression and neurodivergence (whatever “neurodivergence” means). Along with it I developed a working definition of what is considered to be “normal”, characterized by who benefits from that definition, which is unrelated to my actual, inherent worth.

Additional to relationship stress around this time was the stress of my first job as a nurse practitioner, serving the underserved during COVID and being entirely taken advantage of by a toxic, dysfunctional administration.

I woke up suddenly and angrily to my own exploitation, which trickled down to the exploitation of my patients I witnessed continually. I was woken in a jarring, uncomfortable way, which I met with a lot of resentment, bitterness, and anger.

This densities carried me through a phase of disillusionment which were not without personal consequence. I have since learned how to more productively balance and channel my righteous rage, striking the balance between living my ideals and surviving within systems I seek to dismantle.

Noticing how society stratifies privilege and exploitation according to race, gender, class, etc helped me recognize my position in the system, both advantageously and disadvantageously as it pertains to my Appalachian origin, my gender, my whiteness.

Thus, I couldn’t continue to scapegoat men or my work as the cause of my pain. The things I hated about my life were informed by layers of belief rooted somewhere in my development. Personal responsibility eventually evolved to take precedent only after a period of disillusionment, anger, and resentment toward my family of origin.

Spoiler alert: everyone is a wounded child walking around defensively until they consciously identify, recognize, and heal their wounds, which is the work of life, and is never complete. Your parents are humans, too, who operate within systems that exploit them, too, more or less, depending on their own set of advantages/experiences.

Fuck James Dobson, in particular, though. It’s not available yet, but someone will write a book about the devastating impact his white nationalist propaganda on a generation of individual white evangelicals (therefore the rest of the country and the world), and I will be first in line to co-sign it.

Your parents are humans and you can love them more for it, once you stop giving it power over you.

Somewhere in all of this was an awareness of my position in every system as a woman. There is more to say about the additionally stratified exploitation faced by women who aren’t cis or heterosexual or white, like I am.

Finally, my energy shifting from anger toward the external toward reclaiming power within myself. This is where the work became a spiritual process.

Finally, my experience became more experiential than theoretical. Reading and learning took up less space, meditation and spending time outdoors took up more. Intentional engagement with psychedelics played a role in this shift because that was the right path for me. I don’t think it’s the only path or the right path for everyone.

Hard work with a gifted therapist has also changed my life very much. It took me years to find a therapist with whom I resonated, and I still often dread the work we do together, but cumulatively, it has cleared densities so that I walk through life more sustainably and with less weight.

My ongoing yoga practice exists in this same vein and has deepened over time. I experienced a period of disillusionment with it, too, while I sat in my $20 class after a day of caring for patients who maybe wouldn’t eat dinner on the eastern margin of the same city. My practice now looks entirely different than it did 10 years ago, but it’s a modality I recognize now evolves with me.

We are all walking each other home.

An edit after my original post: larger structures of exploitation reflect structures of systems exploitation (work, family) which reflect interpersonal structures of exploitation (relationships) which reflect one’s personal, internal structures of exploitation (rooted in development).

Your only power within any of it is to start by recognizing what you hate/can’t live with about the world around you til you trace it back to the structures within yourself. Then you dismantle them in yourself and watch the world around you change for the better.

With love,

Emma